Twas the night before Christmas, It was at the Laid Back

Not a darter was stirring, in front or in back

The stockings were hung on the dartboards with care

In hopes that the Lizzards soon would be there

The patrons were all nestled all snug on their stools

And god help us all, if we break any rules

Juanita was cookin’, and takin’ no crap

While Rotten was home for a long winter’s nap

When back in the kitchen there arose such a clatter

I jumped off my stool, what the hell was the matter?

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash

Tripped over a barstool and knocked over the trash

Out the back door where the streetlights did glow

Giving a lustre of mid-day to the objects below

Then what to my wondering eyes should appear?

But a miniature sleigh with some Lizzards for deer

With a little old driver, don’t fuck with that bitch

I knew right away she wasn’t St. Nick

More rapid than eagles her Lizzards they came

As she shouted and cussed them and called them by name

“Now, Dunham! now, Kenny! now ZZ! And Linda

On, Gecko! On, Fleetwood! on Dennis! Stop bitchin!

To the dartboards inside! hung on the wall!

Now dash! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As the dry leaves before the hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to Laid Back the Lizzards they flew

With a sleigh full of brewski’s, and Juanita too.

Then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The scratching and clawing of a each Lizzard foot

As I grabbed up my beer, and was turning around

In rushed Juanita with a leap and a bound

She was dressed just as usual, from her head to her foot

And her clothes were all spotted with burritos and soot

A handful of ashtrays she had in a stack,

And looked like a peddler just opening her pack

Her eyes – how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!

If your buyin’ this crap your in the wrong story!

Her little droll mouth was drawn up in a bow,

Brown beer or yellow she wanted to know

  She stared with a glare and gritted her teeth

Cigarette smoke hovered  above her head like a wreath

She had a thin face and not much of a belly

She takes regular bathes so she isn’t smelly

I was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And she laughed when she saw me in spite of herself

A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread

She spoke not a word, but served up the beer

And shooters and munchies to the patrons near

With her middle finger in front of her nose

She flipped us all off, and then thumbed her nose

She sprang to her sleigh, to the Lizzard’s gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle

But I heard her exclaim, ere they drove in the night

Merry Christmas to all,

And to Lizzards Goodnight!

H.L.

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